Endings

Open yourself to the lesson in the loss. What’s coming next will be so beautiful it will take your breath away.

O God of endings, 

  You promised to be with me always, 

  even to the end of time. 

Move with me now in these occasions of last things, 

     of shivering vulnerabilities and letting go:

            letting go of parents gone, 

                 past gone, 

                     friends going, 

                         old self growing: 

letting go of children grown, 

      needs outgrown, 

         prejudices ingrown, 

              illusions overgrown; 

letting go of swollen grudges and shrunken loves. 

Be with me in my end of things 

My letting go of dead things, 

    dead ways,

       dead words,  

          dead self I hold so tightly 

              defend so blindly, 

                   fear losing so frantically 

I teeter on the brink of endings; 

  some anticipated, some resisted, 

          some inevitable, some surprising, 

 most painful; 

and the mystery of them quiets me to awe. 

In silence, Lord, I feel now 

  the curious blend of grief and gladness in me

    over the endings that the ticking and whirling of things brings; 

and I listen for your leading 

  to help me faithfully move on through the fear

       of my time to let go 

so the timeless may take hold of me. 

~Guerrillas of Grace, Ted Loder 

Hold hands with me as we learn to let go. Together we’ll let go of things that no longer serve us;  relationships that have run their course, jobs we have outgrown, projects better left to someone else, ideas and thought patterns stunting our growth, grudges creating shadows instead of light, even the pain of unmet needs and unfilled wants. When we let those things have an ending, we can let them go.  

Endings are hard. Beginnings are hard too but as the saying goes- WE CAN DO HARD THINGS (thank you Glennon). 

I attend an online grief support group hosted through NAMI of Greater Houston and Saint John’s Downtown church. The group is called a Healing Circle. I love the image of a circle as related to healing because like a circle healing has no end point; it is a continual process. Around and around we go constantly and consistently evolving as we heal from trauma, grief, and loss. 

In a recent discussion we talked about living with loss. We explored how the loss of things like job titles, relationships, people we love, and even visions for our lives, change the way we identify with ourselves and others. We talked about the growth opportunities hidden in the center of each loss. When we lose a significant part of our lives there is a void. What do we allow to fill that void? What would God call us to reach for? Pulling that new thing into ourselves allowing us to be stretched, moved, transformed, filled-  through our suffering into joy.  

“In the loss of my mother I became a better sister,” shared one healing circle member. My sister and I shared a similar experience. In grieving the loss of our mom we found joy that we still have each other. Our identity as daughter’s changed but our identity as sisters strengthened. 

“Did we want to learn the lesson through the loss? Hell no!” stated one of the group facilitators. 

But can we still be grateful for the growth? Absolutely. 

In the last few years, I have let go of so many titles, labels, and aspects of myself. Daughter, wife, principal, community member… 

In these losses the lesson for me has been learning to cultivate the inner parts of myself that no one can take. Being a principal was fun and made me feel important but was it really an indicator of who I am at the root of myself? No. So, in removing labels associated with external roles and obligations I found the freedom to uncover who I am as Lindsay Rene. What are the qualities and characteristics that make me fearfully and wonderfully made? 

I am an artist. I am a writer. I am a poet. I am creative. I love hard.  I am deeply passionate about ushering in Kingdom building justice through grace and grit. Kids are my people because in their playful innocence mine is rekindled and renewed. 

No one can take those truths about my personhood away from me. When I experience loss (as we all do) I will not be removed from myself. 

Endings are inevitable. Grieving things that end is okay. Inviting in what’s new and meant for you is imperative. Open yourself to the lesson in the loss. What’s coming next will be so beautiful it will take your breath away.

Healing Breath

Somatic breathing helps you connect your mind and body by bringing awareness and control to your breath.

Light of the World

You have lovingly 

held my hand 

in the darkness

for many years 

In your patience and wisdom

You only illuminate for me 

what little specks of your glory 

my finite mind and heart 

can experience 

Slowly, 

in awesome tenderness 

you have been growing me 

a forest floor fern 

living in the darkness 

stretching out 

the atrophy of my 

creativity 

cultivating my divine femininity 

Repairing and preparing 

the roots of my soul 

In, through, and all around me 

your Love Light 

hems me in 

Teaching me in holy patience 

to trust the light even when the dark 

feels so familiar 

Together 

hand in hand 

Spirit to Spirit 

breath to breath 

We tip toe out of the darkness 

into the light 

of a new day. 

Amen 

Be In Your Body

Somatic breathwork has been transformative and deeply healing for me. Somatic breathwork is a therapeutic breathing modality utilizing conscious breathing to regulate and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (say that 3 times fast!). Simply put it is breathing that helps you connect your mind and body by bringing awareness and control to your breath. It is a highly effective method of nervous system regulation especially for trauma survivors whose nervous systems have often been ‘stuck’ in fight, flight, or freeze. The practice can be deceptively  simple but simple does not mean superficial. 

This practice has taken me to a deep place of healing while also helping me name my pain. As a beginner I usually only practice for 5-8 minutes. I begin in a quiet comfortable space where I feel safe. Sometimes that is still sitting in bed first thing in the morning. 

In a seated position with your back tall and your airway open, take a deep breath in breathing into your belly for 4 seconds then exhaling nice and slow for 4 seconds. 

After breathing in this pattern for 10 breaths or so I bring both hands to my face, gently cupping my cheeks. I hold myself. I am caring for myself in a way that others could not or would not. It’s okay if emotions arise and you find yourself crying in this practice. That is a release for your spirit and your body. You are in control and may stop the practice at any time. You can also pause the practice and return to it when you are ready. 

As a trauma survivor I have found adding the affirmation “you are safe” allows me to take this practice to an even deeper level of healing. I often mentally repeat the phrase on each inhale. 

You are safe in your body and breath. You are more healed and more whole than you were yesterday.

I am so proud of you. 

What Are You Doing Here?

Two women

who ran into the wilderness and found each other while finding their voices

What are you doing here? I ask myself that question every single time I step to the mic to perform a poem. I am an introvert. What in the actual am I doing here standing on a stage in front of people sharing my most intimate thoughts? Well…I think that is something the Lord is still fleshing out for me but I have found some companionship with my Old Testament brother, Elijah.

Elijah is a prophet I have revisited over and over during my divorce process and in my post-divorce healing. In 1 Kings chapter 19, Elijah is running for his life. He did the Lord’s bidding and killed a bunch of idol worshiping prophets. Killing people earned him some pretty upset enemies. Enemies that were determined to end his life. So Eliah did what many of us do when we are under attack. He ran. He ran away from the danger but not really towards a destination of safety because he did not have one. He ran into the wilderness. He fled into the unknown because even that was safer than staying where he was. 

Do you know that feeling? Knowing that in order to survive you have to just run. You have run into the unknown and trust your feet and your God to guide you.

Elijah grew exhausted because if you have ever fought for your survival you know it is depleting. He came to rest under a tree where an angel nourished his body with food and water. The angel offered comfort to his spirit in encouragement and rest. You have to rest or you will not make it to the destination, the angel said to Elijah. After 40 days and 40 nights of trudging through the wilderness Elijah arrived at Mount Horeb, the Mount of God. He found a little cave and slept. 

Then watch this, God shows up and was like “What are you doing here Elijah?” Ummmmm what? Can you imagine how Elijah might have felt hearing that question? Frustration. So Elijah did what I would have done and he lists all the ways he had served the Lord and how all of those things landed him on a mountain top alone hiding from his enemies.There is much more to this chapter but a quick rundown is this- God revealed himself to Elijah on the mountain after a display of great elemental power in the ‘sheer silence.’ He asked Elijah again “What are you doing here?” Then instructed Elijah to go back into the wilderness on  a new mission to anoint a king.

There is so much happening in this passage but what keeps ruminating in my spirit is the question- What are you doing here?

I wonder if God was also saying “why are you hiding?”, “why are you running away?”, “haven’t I proven my protection and provision to you over and over?” Get your hiney off this mountain and get back out in the wilderness. I have a job for you to do! 

This time when Elijah went into the wilderness he had an assignment but he had to climb a mountain, brave the storm, and sit in the stillness to get the assignment. Have you done that sister? You’re so capable you don’t even know it yet. 

This wilderness journey is marked by a purpose. It is designed for you to go out and stand in confidence and resistance to the enemies of your success. You know the assignment, now let your actions shout from the mountain top that you understood the assignment. 

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Hi! My name is Lindsay and I am so thankful you are here. I am a single mom to a precious, hilarious, athletic 11 year old boy. I am a writer, spoken word poet, and CrossFit Coach.  

I have a background in elementary education and experience in various Christian leadership roles within the Church. I had the privilege to study at Duke Divinity where I completed my Master's of Arts in Christian Practice in 2020. It was during my graduate work I fell in love with writing prayer, poetry, and affirmations. 

I want to offer my companionship as a survivor of hard things. My hope for this blog to offer a space for healing through prayer, poetry, embodiment practices, and affirmations. I pray that my stories of difficult times, uncertain outcomes, hope, fear, lessons learned the hard way, and moments of inexplicable gratitude meet you right where you are. Thank you for joining me!