Peace Over Perfection
Perfection is no longer the pursuit.
Peace is so much better.
As an Enneagram Type 1 the inner struggle toward and against perfectionism is so real. The push of who I think people want me to be and the pull of who I feel I am at the center of myself; this tug o’ war of external validation and inner peace is part of my personality type. It is the tiger in my chest that both drives me toward greatness and wounds me when self-awareness wanes.
If you aren’t familiar with the Enneagram and are working towards deeper self-awareness I highly recommend taking an assessment! The Enneagram is a personality test with a rich and complex history designed to help people understand who we are in our essence and how we manifest our ego in our personality traits. It is fascinating! For more information go to www.ennegraminstitute.com
But please finish reading my blog first! ha!
In my twenties I created this formula in my mind for the ‘perfect life.’ It went like this- get a college degree, establish yourself in a career that is fulfilling and provides financial security, marry a handsome man, buy a house, have babies and live happily ever after. Easy peasy, the Promised Land awaits…
There were moments when I thought I had arrived. I did it. I executed the plan perfectly. So imagine my utter devastation when I realized I was standing in a mirage. Like a good Perfectionist, I followed the formula perfectly. We do not deviate from the prescription because duh, then we aren’t perfect, we are ‘bad.’ But to my endless frustration, I did not end up in the Promised Land, instead I found myself wandering the Wilderness.
Lost. Confused. And decidedly pissed off.
Being a 30ish year old divorcee with a precarious financial situation, decades of trauma to unpack, all while trying to navigate being a single parent and dare I say it without gagging, but venturing into the dating scene. Yep. I was pissed- but mostly at myself. My life was not perfect so I must be a failure. The narrative that bubbled up from my bones and played on repeat in my head was- Anything outside of perfection is failure. Wow. I needed a new narrative.
With an intense combination of prayer, therapy, Enneagram research, yoga, poetry and lots of honest tears, I began to rewrite the destructive message of my inner critic into something more gentle and constructive. Now I say things to myself like-
Your needs are valid.
Perfection is a final destination but you are not done growing.
It’s okay to be afraid. Do it anyway.
You are creative and hilarious.
Ask for help when you need it.
This is your path. Be grateful.
I began learning to embrace the excitement and growth opportunities meeting me in the wilderness. I started pushing myself harder in the gym, writing more poetry, getting on open mics, sharing my story with other women, and trying new things like pickleball and bike riding in downtown Houston. I am not perfect at any of these things and (usually) that is no longer my pursuit. Now I chase peace; peace over perfection as I journey through the wilderness. Maybe I am on my way to the land of milk and honey but I no longer believe I have to be perfect to get there.
Exodus 23:20
I am going to send an angel in front of you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.