Endings

Open yourself to the lesson in the loss. What’s coming next will be so beautiful it will take your breath away.

O God of endings, 

  You promised to be with me always, 

  even to the end of time. 

Move with me now in these occasions of last things, 

     of shivering vulnerabilities and letting go:

            letting go of parents gone, 

                 past gone, 

                     friends going, 

                         old self growing: 

letting go of children grown, 

      needs outgrown, 

         prejudices ingrown, 

              illusions overgrown; 

letting go of swollen grudges and shrunken loves. 

Be with me in my end of things 

My letting go of dead things, 

    dead ways,

       dead words,  

          dead self I hold so tightly 

              defend so blindly, 

                   fear losing so frantically 

I teeter on the brink of endings; 

  some anticipated, some resisted, 

          some inevitable, some surprising, 

 most painful; 

and the mystery of them quiets me to awe. 

In silence, Lord, I feel now 

  the curious blend of grief and gladness in me

    over the endings that the ticking and whirling of things brings; 

and I listen for your leading 

  to help me faithfully move on through the fear

       of my time to let go 

so the timeless may take hold of me. 

~Guerrillas of Grace, Ted Loder 

Hold hands with me as we learn to let go. Together we’ll let go of things that no longer serve us;  relationships that have run their course, jobs we have outgrown, projects better left to someone else, ideas and thought patterns stunting our growth, grudges creating shadows instead of light, even the pain of unmet needs and unfilled wants. When we let those things have an ending, we can let them go.  

Endings are hard. Beginnings are hard too but as the saying goes- WE CAN DO HARD THINGS (thank you Glennon). 

I attend an online grief support group hosted through NAMI of Greater Houston and Saint John’s Downtown church. The group is called a Healing Circle. I love the image of a circle as related to healing because like a circle healing has no end point; it is a continual process. Around and around we go constantly and consistently evolving as we heal from trauma, grief, and loss. 

In a recent discussion we talked about living with loss. We explored how the loss of things like job titles, relationships, people we love, and even visions for our lives, change the way we identify with ourselves and others. We talked about the growth opportunities hidden in the center of each loss. When we lose a significant part of our lives there is a void. What do we allow to fill that void? What would God call us to reach for? Pulling that new thing into ourselves allowing us to be stretched, moved, transformed, filled-  through our suffering into joy.  

“In the loss of my mother I became a better sister,” shared one healing circle member. My sister and I shared a similar experience. In grieving the loss of our mom we found joy that we still have each other. Our identity as daughter’s changed but our identity as sisters strengthened. 

“Did we want to learn the lesson through the loss? Hell no!” stated one of the group facilitators. 

But can we still be grateful for the growth? Absolutely. 

In the last few years, I have let go of so many titles, labels, and aspects of myself. Daughter, wife, principal, community member… 

In these losses the lesson for me has been learning to cultivate the inner parts of myself that no one can take. Being a principal was fun and made me feel important but was it really an indicator of who I am at the root of myself? No. So, in removing labels associated with external roles and obligations I found the freedom to uncover who I am as Lindsay Rene. What are the qualities and characteristics that make me fearfully and wonderfully made? 

I am an artist. I am a writer. I am a poet. I am creative. I love hard.  I am deeply passionate about ushering in Kingdom building justice through grace and grit. Kids are my people because in their playful innocence mine is rekindled and renewed. 

No one can take those truths about my personhood away from me. When I experience loss (as we all do) I will not be removed from myself. 

Endings are inevitable. Grieving things that end is okay. Inviting in what’s new and meant for you is imperative. Open yourself to the lesson in the loss. What’s coming next will be so beautiful it will take your breath away.