Time
They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I wonder if a lifetime of people pleasing behaviors stemming from the desperate need to be loved are considered 'habits' to be broken in 3 weeks time?
Time
So much time spent
frivolously
like I will get more back
As if I can take my spent time to a cashier and receive a refund
"Nope, I don't like how those 10 years went...I'd like them back please."
Or how about time invested?
I've invested most of my adult life into relationships that left me broken,
insecure and bankrupt of trust
"That was a poor investment, may I please see the advisor about getting a return on this contribution?"
Time
I wish I could hold it,
measure it
quantify it
so I would know just how much I can budget
for each person who comes to withdraw from me
Time
The cruelest teacher.
When will I learn-
timing is everything
time is of the essence
time waits for no man
Everything has its time.
For everything there is a season and a time for
every matter under heaven
a time to be born
and a time to die
I have died a thousand small deaths.
a time to plant, a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
Time is money
but money is manufactured
and my time is a gift
Innately generous
I give it away
like a good girl should
indoctrinated in gender roles and social norms
the woman of my own wilderness
I am the giver
Giving away my time
habitually it seems
to those who do not want it or deserve it
Abba,
Father Time
hold hands with me
teach me how to hold my gifts
more surreptitiously
with a little jealousy
cloaked in secrecy
To preserve and reserve
the gift of my time
for the experiences and people
who want to step inside
the seconds with me
cherish the shared minutes
colored with sunsets
dripping with gratitude
recognizing the invitation into existing
in the secret spaces of my time
as a gift
not a given
I say
"I am sorry"
to myself
for not protecting the gift of my time
well in the past
but the time I have left
belongs to me
I will hold onto it tightly
and spend it wisely
©lindsayrene